Blue Sky Holiday

four thirty two on a thursday afternoon

just got off from work. what should I do?

go get my haircut? but then I’d have to go get cash for that since asian places do not take cards. HMMMM

go shopping? I have mountains of clothing but part of me wants to shop for dresses again, to regain my old self so to speak.

continue to lay on my bed and do nothing? it is always nice to do this with a movie on and the internet especially when my feet are hurting.

what kind of haircut should I get????????????????

well into January.

are we? oh ho ho life is kinda scary. The last two days have been unpleasantly cold; like seriously I step out after work, and my flesh is coming off due to the cold, wtf? I guess that was my first sign that we are into January. The so-called holidays kinda just passed this year, like I just realized the new year has started and the “happy” season of xmas and new years and all that crap, the lovely supposedly season of joy and happiness is long gone. But surprisingly, I don’t give a shit.

Taking my father to the airport tomorrow at like four am. Honestly, I am thrilled that he gets to go home and spend new years with mommy and family and friends; their entire posse is waiting for him to go back. This makes me feel less guilty about being such a horrible daughter. But then lately I’ve been thinking that the “perfect” daughter doesn’t really exist anyway. Sometimes, I must come to realize that shit happens, despite of who I am and what I can do, bad things will still happen anyway.

I need a haircut. Should I just trim it or should I try a different hairstyle, I’ve had the same one for four years. Time for a change hmmmm? There are moments during the day where I feel like I have everything I’ve ever needed or wanted; I am luckier than most. But sometimes it’s just like well something’s not here.

Lots of random blogs about dreams on my dashboard

it doesn’t make me feel all that great given how out of my element I am. I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time; where it seems like everything I do, and whoever I am just doesn’t feel quite enough for the world. I like to look at my life in different compartments and different perspectives for a reason. Because it’s like when something’s not right or going well in one aspect, I can always escape to the other; that’s how I do not go insane. But lately, I have no perspectives to escape to, ‘cause my life is a mess in every single perspective. Yes, this will be a confession blog.

So far, I’ve seen different ups and downs in my job. It’s a temp job, an appetizer to tide me over until dinner arrives. But dinner’s not gonna arrive on its own if I don’t go make it, obviously. Such a simple concept that I have such a hard time grasping. I hope it is not just me. I blame the economy. But more than that, I blame my inability to live up to my full potential. I just want experience, but lately I’ve been wondering if the experience of working here is worth sticking around for. Or should I just get off my ass and go back to job hunting; except the shittiness that is job-hunting keeps me from actually doing it. I guess I was wrong, it was never supposed to be easy. I barely have anything to say to my coworkers; they are simple, it’d take forever to express a thought to them. Also, some of them kind of hate me because of my background. I do not mind paying my dues, but am I really paying my dues? Or am I just settling? I wish someone could tell me.

Also, there are times when I don’t feel like I am in a relationship. Is that weird? Eric is an incredibly free-spirited creature; as in he literally has no problem with me doing anything as long as I become his again. Maybe it’s not that weird, it’s been well over three years. But I am not exactly like that; you can kinda say I am the exact opposite. I’m quite possessive, jealous, innately insecure and tend to overreact to everything on the planet. Like a fish could go extinct, and I’d wanna go cry. Or he could talk to some girl on the bus randomly, and I’d feel a twinge in my stomach. I no longer want this to be who I am, I’ve been having a hard time admitting and dealing with this problem. Some people are just innately happy; it’s the friends they pick, it is their upbringing, it is the years and years of positive reinforcements. I don’t really know if I am one of those people. I feel guilty for not being one of those people who are just okay with everything. For years, I’ve been telling myself that it’s just NOT who I am; but I never realized I could have been someone like that if I hadn’t kept telling myself that I couldn’t be. Looking back now, there have been very unhealthy relationships in my past; and obviously those relationships have influenced the way I am. Which is why I am constantly teaching myself “new” concepts. Things are not always black and white; it’s not always one way or the other; some things are just not that big a deal; self-fulfilling prophecy; honesty and not lying are different things; love is always there despite not always being represented; a person doesn’t need Forever21 to survive; we all must take responsibility for what we have become, sure we can blame it on our upbringing, our surroundings, the things that have unfortunately happened to us, the people who have repeatedly shaped who we are, the douchebags who have come and gone, ice cream… all these things are just background music, I just realized if I am not the person I imagined I’d be, I only have myself to blame. And what is more important, we need to take the time and effort to become who we want to be. I guess that’s what I am going to do.