see the thing is
though I am immensely happy with everything I have, sometimes when I allow myself to view life from a different person’s camera, I feel ridiculously swept away with this overwhelming envy. I believe it is true that the grass is always greener on the other side. Though I don’t think of the phrase as its originally, intended meaning. I really DO think the grass will always be greener on the other side. I suppose I am a bit pessimistic, though I have many things, I also DON’T have many things that ordinary 22 year-olds already have. Sometimes I think it’s unfair that people are just born with things, privilege, photogenic-ness, fast metabolism, rich parents who stay in the same country, the innate intelligence and rationality that I truly lack sometimes, confidence, beauty, possibly a really big house that effortlessly become theirs without stress or worry. But why do I have to earn these things when other people just have it? It doesn’t make sense to me; it’d make more sense to me if other people had to work for these things too, but why am I the only one who has to (that I personally know of)? Admittedly, in high school, I was truly glad to have the clan. To be extremely honest, I loved the fact that I belonged somewhere more than I loved them. I don’t know why but I never belonged anywhere. But then, there I was, belonging somewhere, and that meant more to me than anything else. I think that was the last time I had a sense of belonging. In college I learned that everything I strived for in high school was a social construction - meaning that a sense of belonging, fitting in, being thin, being smart, having a boyfriend, all that shiznit was fake. Humans made it all up so we would all feel lonely and undeserving. How did I get trapped in this? That’s what I wondered; and then I decided I didn’t need any of those things; I could just be me. And this sense of confidence finally took over my life; I guess I actually could have everything even if I wasn’t born with it; I just had to make it happen. I still believe it I guess. But sometimes, I swear, just for like a day, I wish I didn’t have to work for the things I want; just for a day I wish I could just have them. I still feel like I belong in a different world from everyone else I know. Maybe that was always the case. But I guess in an optimistic light, it is a good thing that I must work for the things I want. If I make my own home, then it’s really mine; it’s okay if it will take a while.
Happy December.
2 months ago • 1 note
