I like the feeling of super hot coffee down my throat on a cold day.
Winter is definitely on its way, even though it’s been unreasonably sunny; can’t complain since it’s helped my mood quite a bit; I’d feel worse if it was sad and gloomy all day.
We’re almost twenty three. In some ways, that bums me out quite a bit. Not in the sense that I am getting older and that I think youth is slipping away, but in the sense that I’ve been alive for 23 years and I haven’t truly accomplished anything. I wonder if anyone else is freaked out. I’m not in a good place but I’m not in a bad place; perhaps this is the time to practice optimism. It is something I must remind myself to go back to since I am not innately optimistic; I wanna say I am innately realistic but maybe I am just innately pessimistic. Either way, I am too old to deny what is really me. So I am pessimistic. I’m the only one who has to deal with that so I don’t have a problem with it. Anyway, getting back to optimism. What’s good about being 23? I guess the biggest good thing about it is that nothing really seems all that scary anymore. If things get too hectic, I just think to myself, I am a grown-up now. Can’t always expect people to bail me out or make me feel better or magically make it all go away. The good thing about that is that I can literally sit there and reason myself out of trouble. The good thing about turning 23 is that now I always already know exactly what needs to be done. The tricky thing is that I have to go do it. But I am good at execution. I just used to be very bad at knowing what to do. But now that I know what to do, I’m not so afraid anymore. I am blessed with many things and it’s unfair to let the bad things overshadow the good things I already have or have legitimately earned. I don’t really think it’s wise to only focus on the good things either though; but I guess it is important to remember how I got the things I want, since it’s going to motivate me to go after the things I don’t have.
I used to be afraid that life will beat the life out of me. But as time goes by, I realized that the person I am seems to be set in its ways. And it’s nice, cause I’m surrounded by people like that. Life and love have beat the wind out of my best friend, but in my eyes, essentially nothing has changed about her. I used to want her to be less spiteful, less crazy, and just slightly more thick-skinned. But I don’t anymore; she is the person she is, and her que dian will ultimately mature into her you dian. And some lucky bastard will get to keep her forever. And though over the years, we’ve become different in many things, we are still of the same breed. See, even though I’m seriously unhappy about the things I must deal with in my life right now, I still feel a lot more than the average person. And because of this ability to feel, I know that Eric loves me and will be there for me until the very end; I know I have friends who will pop in and out of my life just to keep me going; and I know I have family, though separated from me by all those miles, will never be all that unreachable. But it’s more than that. When I accomplish something small, I still feel that small sense of pride; and by logic, when eventually I accomplish something big, life will look up. So you see, this ability to feel has kept me sane. And though I know that life isn’t really a “happily-ever-after” type of situation; but at least we’re living it, and that’s fairytale-y enough for me.
2 months ago • Notes